Being a single parent is not easy. That much I can tell. And it becomes more challenging when you have kids in between. You just have to deal with your Ex till death do us part. That is how tough it is.  To hurt your kids in any way is the last thing that you want to do. Thus, last night, I just went thru some readings that I like to share with you all on this portion.

When parents decide to divorce, they typically have been through a series of events that have led them to this decision. Whether or not children are aware of parents’ decisions depends on many things, including parents’ behaviors and children’s experiences. In some families, husbands and wives may argue frequently in front of the children, leaving children to suspect that something is going on. In other families, parents may talk quietly about their differences without the children ever knowing. And in other families, parents may argue sometimes and quietly handle their differences at other times. Regardless of the type of adult arguments and interactions that children experience, when parents decide to divorce, children need to know.

Children’s reactions to parental divorce are related to how parents inform them of their decision. Because of this, it is important for parents to think carefully about how they will tell their children and what they will tell them. When possible, the entire family should meet together so that both parents can answer children’s questions.

What to tell children

Remember that divorce is confusing for children. When you first talk with children, limit your discussion to the most important and most immediate issues; children can become confused if they are given too much information at once. Children need to hear that their basic needs will be met, that someone will still fix breakfast in the morning, help them with their homework, and tuck them into bed at night. Children also need to know that their relationship with BOTH parents will continue, if possible. In the face of so many changes, children also need to hear what will remain the same. Parents can reassure their children through words and actions that their love will continue despite the changes in routine family life.

During these family discussions, it is important for parents to tell children that the divorce is final and avoid giving children false hopes that the parents will reunite. Parents can also use this time to tell children that the divorce is not their fault. Many children believe that the divorce is a result of something that they did. Even younger children who seem to have no understanding of what is going on may need extra reassurance during this time. For instance, when asked why parents divorce, some children may explain that parents are divorcing because the children misbehaved or received bad grades in school. Children need repeated reassurance from parents that they are not responsible for the divorce.

Remember to ask children about their fears and concerns. Give children time to think about the divorce and the changes ahead. Meet again as a family to talk about new questions and to reassure children of your ongoing involvement in their lives.

Take your children’s questions and concerns seriously and LISTEN to what they say. As stated by one child, “this is gonna affect the rest of my life and I don’t know if they just don’t realize that, or don’t care, or what, but I don’t feel like I’m being heard.”

Children need to know that parents recognize the impact of divorce on children’s lives. By listening to children’s thoughts and feelings about the divorce, parents demonstrate their ongoing care and concern.

Realize that feelings of loss and anger are typical. You can’t change your child’s feelings, but it is important to let your child know you understand them. For example, “I know you must be really sad that you can’t see your dad today.”

What I need from my mom and dad:

* I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Even if you don’t live close by, please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions about who I spend time with and what I like and don’t like to do. When you don’t stay involved in my life, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.
* Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me and my needs. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
* I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
* Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth. I want you to talk with each other so that the messages are communicated the right way and so that I don’t feel like I am going to mess up.
* When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are putting me down and expecting me to take your side.
* Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

Kids Understandings

* Recognize that one parent no longer lives at home.
* May express empathy toward others, such as a parent who is feeling sad.

Feelings

* May have difficulty separating from parents.
* May express anger toward parent.
* May lose some of the skills they have developed, like toilet training.
* Toddlers may show some of the behaviors that they outgrew, such as thumbsucking.
* Sleeping and naptime routines may change.
* Older toddlers may have nightmares.

What parents can do…

* Spend more time with children when preparing to separate (e.g., arrive 10 to 15 minutes earlier than usual when you take your child to child care).
* Provide physical and verbal reassurance of your love.
* Show understanding of child’s distress; recognize that, given time and support, old behaviors (thumbsucking) will disappear and newly developed skills (toilet training) will reappear.
* Talk with other important adults and caregivers about how to support your child during this transition time.

The reading is quite long until preschoolers and teens… Maybe I will share about that on my later life having both of them growing up.

To the love of my life: Danish and Arissa. Love you ALWAYS and FOREVER!